Chip Away!

The days since my last update have been emotionally scattered, and physically painful. I've tried a couple of times to sit down and write this update, but I've felt so in between emotions, places, and people it didn't seem like I could really focus. I'm still having quite a bit of trouble. My chest feels like a Saturn V rocket blasting up into space, and my emotions feel like the chips of ice falling away into the atmosphere as gravity slowly loses its' pull. Hard truths have indeed made a heavy crown, and the vertigo of being pushed forward while also reflecting across the entirety of my life is...necessarily unsettling and unnerving. I've been struggling with trying to tell the difference between depression and grief. Am I sad today chemically, or am I grieving because my entire life is shedding away? It can be very confusing.

The beginning of my week began with hard decisions. Both hard to make, and hard in the context of the firmament of willpower. Decisions that still leave me screaming inside at night. There's nothing harder than letting go, be it a person, place, or thing. The anxiety of separation is one of the most avoided feelings the world over. It's why people allow themselves to be manipulated and abused and compromise when they shouldn't, and justify it as they do. It's a terrifying thing. I haven't been sleeping well, for the first time I can ever remember. I've had nights, sure, but I've conditioned myself to sleep through anything. It's suddenly very elusive. Suddenly tired, suddenly awake. Not something I'm used to. It's led to me walking around this little town I was raised in at night, for hours sometimes, sobbing, and sometimes laughing, which, usually leads back to sobbing because, well, people who walk around at night laughing at themselves are typically bat-shit crazy right? I miss people. I've reconnected with a few, while also coming to the realization that I'll never reconnect with some again. I also have to remind myself that this is all going to take a very, very long time to get a grip on, and that nothing is permanent. I've had some really good days too. I've been very blessed with family. With a few exceptions, I've never been close with my family, and this has been a chance to turn all of that around which is particularly healing because in some cases, the hours of twilight are drawing near. There's a lot of circumstances that make every day precious on its' own, and it serves once again as a reminder to take this all one day at a time. Even still, after a couple of good days, I found myself pretty haunted, which led to me sitting in silence getting very angry, as I guess that's what I tend to do. I just sit alone and boil away like a pissed off teapot. I made things even worse by forcing myself through the new Bjork record 'Vulnicura,' which while absolutely beautiful, is a bit too heart wrenching and close to life topically for my current state. I've tried for several days to do some illustration, but I get very frustrated, much more than is normal, and shut down. I've been able to play guitar some, but I want to sing as well, and my body just won't sustain it, and so again, I find myself getting angry. Everything is new, and different, and unfamiliar, and nothing really seems "mine." Everything feels borrowed, even stuff that IS mine. It feels like I'm borrowing it from a different me, which there is, I suppose, some truth to. It's absolute havok for my OCD tendencies, because I don't have any of my go-to elements anymore. Nothing, and no-one is the same, least of all myself.

On a brighter note, I've been hunting down work, which has gone well. It seems I'll have a few jobs to choose between within the next week or so, and I'm continuing to search for something that seems like the best fit for now, which may be multiple jobs. Activity is certainly key in keeping my mind from sliding all over, so I'm really looking forward to that. I've been working on my exercising, but it's been difficult because my body is almost in as bad of shape as my mind, and things that were once very simple I'm finding are suddenly extremely difficult. I've been walking my sister's dog, and that alone is a painful and herculean task at times. Deep in the Rocky Mountains isn't the best place to be this time of year when you have no body fat. I'm cold all of the time. My medication also makes me sweat, so on top of being cold, I'm wet too. It's a "deal with it" kind of thing. I love the air, and the sight of the sun cresting the mountains every morning. It's something I've missed for too long, and it's worth the temporary shivers.

Think I'm going to leave it on that note this morning. I'm going to be getting to what some of my goals are moving forward, which means I'll be addressing what for many readers is probably the "elephant in the room," my kids. That's something that has so many different things tied to and wrapped up in it, and I need to be very careful about how I address the issue, so I'm taking longer than I intended to do such. It's all hugs or middle fingers, so I have to whittle past that to the important meat of the issue, at least as it involves my momentum with it. I won't guarantee that's next, but it's soon.

Thank you again to all who've read, and continue to offer support, to those I've seen, talked to, and hugged, both physically and virtually. I remain open to answer your questions either privately or in the comments section here, and wish you all the best!

- Chad

Our Cliff Note Selves.

This was a self portrait I did while in lock down. The bee was referenced from a National Geographic, the rest from imagination. It's interesting how imperative it can be to draw something when you aren't allowed to have any writing or drawing utensils. I chose a self portrait because a.) it seemed logical in that I'm in a period of deep introspection and self re-awareness, and b.) it's long been considered a psychological art form to critics, and I was curious as to what my doctor may have to say. I'd originally sketched it in rather basically, and when the staff saw it, I was allowed to have some crayons and colored pencils. Art therapy has always been my go to way of dealing and coping with life. Graphic art and illustration, and writing and playing music has been my psychologist. Music in particular. I made a decision several years ago in Austin to stop my pursuit of trying to be a professional musician, and to focus my career on illustration. It's much easier for me to get through a picture I don't particularly want to draw than it is to perform music I don't feel or relate to. My original music is so personal and precious to me, and there's a reason I don't promote it very often. I'm very OCD about how it's presented, and heard. I've never quite gotten it functioning at %100 yet. It's debatable if that can ever even happen now. I created what became In Sleep I Travel in 1999 because making music brought an alleviation to my soul that illustration couldn't. Furthermore, it seemed to me that the combination of the two into one project kind of covered all of my bases. It went through several name changes over 10 years before ISIT solidified. There's a lot of power in a name. I never had any intention of ISIT becoming my nickname in every day life, but it was a welcome improvement on some of my previous ones, and a title I still wear with pride. To me, the dreamtime is the ultimate frontier of science and spirituality. A place where everything and nothing is real. And so, the ISIT project became my self medication. My journal, my punching bag, my shoulder to cry on, my emotional dump. Over 15 years it also became the child that wouldn't birth. I became endlessly pregnant with a thing that had no real beginning or end, no parameters. It became a tool for me to hide from real life in. Things getting tough? Go in the studio and pop on my headphones. In moderation, it's probably a valuable and positive thing, however, not only was I abusing my creative outlet, there was an impetus that this was somehow going to be my career. That the thousands of hours and dollars put into it, was going to pay off if only I could get a little more done. It has at times caused tremendous strain on my relationships for various reasons. It became a point of jealousy and resentment for many, and my response has always been to throw myself into it all the harder. So, in a way, my creativity became the substance I've abused, and in this way, art therapy became a debilitating addiction, just as many become addicted to their medications. The self portrait above is one of the first times I've been able to sit back in a long time and just draw because it felt good. I haven't gotten there with music yet, it's going to take a little bit. Since being back "home" I've already been asked to join 3 different bands, and while I'm honored and flattered, much like a romantic relationship, being in a musical relationship isn't something I'm capable of doing healthily at the moment, and I have a degree of doubt that I'll ever be in a serious band ever again. I was very close to finally birthing ISIT, some of you have been involved with that. It's still going to happen, but I need to get me right first, and be able to tackle it objectively. It's still lacking a proper resolution. The proper bow to tie it all together. I'm lacking the proper facilities to present it all the way it deserves. I don't have a timeline. I'm leaving it alone for a little bit, and letting some other people play with those toys as they please. It's just not time yet, and for me, and some who've been waiting for many, many years, that sucks. I hate having to be in this place, and say it, but if I lock myself down into it right now, I'm going to fuck myself up even more. If I decide to end ISIT, I will still make sure that what is and has been done makes it to the hands and ears of those who want it, and to those who've contributed over the years, listened to the recordings, come to the shows, liked, shared, tweeted, and torrented any of it, THANK YOU. I've truly had the good fortune of being able to touch someone in a profound way every time I've stepped on stage as ISIT, I don't want that to ever change, and it's part of the reason I haven't performed in two and a half years. I need to regain my identity, and having a construct around to slip into is a dangerous thing. It'd be easy to let my head disappear up my own ass, and fully become someone I'm not. ISIT is a part of me, but it doesn't define me, and I've been letting it. So, long story even longer, using art, and music, and creativity as therapy is a good thing, with many personal, and social benefits. Using it as a crutch when you need a much different kind of help to stand, not so much.

This brings me to social perception. How we view things, and the kinds of masks and things we put forward to bring people closer, or push them away. I have social anxiety. I don't do well with crowds, or meeting new people. This baffles people, because I've walked on stage in front of hundreds and poured my heart out. I've improvised presentations and speeches to great affect. Many have considered me an entertainer, a class clown, an attention whore, but...it's not real. It's an abstraction. To say it's a lie would be extreme, it isn't that it isn't genuine, it's just not the whole story, and social media not only allows this to great affect, but encourages it. The cliff's notes version of ourselves. We are in many ways allowed to control the lighting and angles of our lives, while simultaneously having no control at all. Anyone can post a picture of you online. Anyone can tag you in a status. For every new privacy setting, there's another dozen loop holes. In the last year, friends and family have seen my personal affairs spill out across Facebook more than once. Not from me, or with my consent, or knowledge. Incredibly personal and hurtful statements have been made against me, and particularly against people I love, and I've been stuck in the middle doing my best to work damage control. This is a big reason for me being so transparent in this matter. For one, to come back to the place I grew up, I'm going to be seen. People have always liked to talk about me and my business for whatever reason, and rather than have rumors fly, as I'm sure they will anyway, I thought it best to tackle it head on. It's a small way for me to take the power back for myself, and to make sure the door is open for people old and new to approach me. I've hurt a lot of people in various ways over the years with my selfishness, but I've also been deeply hurt. I do have some bones to pick, but I'm also willing to forgive and let go and move on. I've felt very ignored and sidelined by many of the the people who were my closest friends for 20+ years. I realize I've made some poor decisions, but I never understood what I did to be completely abandoned. No one ever asked for my side of things. No one ever had the stones to approach me about any problem or issue they had, they just ignored me. That hurt, and still hurts, and will continue to hurt as I see and bump into some of these people. On a positive note, I spent this morning reconnecting with one of the most important and influential people in my life that I've been missing so much. People wrong each other, sometimes completely unknowingly. I acknowledge that I'm guilty of this, but I'm open to hearing from you the how and why. I've seen nothing destroy more friendships and relationships than people using assumptions as fact, and the modern age is almost an assumption taken for fact all in itself.

Be conscious of the human condition. As humans, we can only ever see one perspective on something at a time. I got stuck in that mindset and am lucky to be alive right now. Making passive comments, or insinuating something about someone else should never be done in a public forum, particularly one that has the power to impact a person's life so much, from family, to jobs, to interpersonal relationships, to how someone views themselves. There's alot of depression everywhere right now. I'm not alone, and so many of you have reached out to let me know you've been in a similar or the same place. It's difficult to get on any social media and not see someone boohoo-ing their or someone else's life. It's difficult not to do ourselves, because it's become a socially accepted norm to complain about everything. To focus on the have nots, and how we can't be complete people without a new iPhone. I get it, I really do. It's no different than me venting all of this here, except that I don't see very much action leading to change or improvement of any kind. I've been playing a game on facebook for months now where I wake up and see how many statuses it takes to shut down the day. I follow and am friends with many amazing artists, so the first few are usually beautiful paintings, followed by an uplifting or creative quote, and then bam, there it is, the pot hole. We've all been the pot hole, if not on social media, at work, on vacation, etc. I think we've also all been the samaritan, and stood up for, or sent a comment that made someone's day, or maybe even saved someone's life. There's so much pain and sarcasm and disconnectedness between people, it's hard to know when anyone is serious anymore. I know some people thought I was joking or exaggerating. You can't convince everyone, nor do you have to. Don't let social media become a barometer for your self worth. Don't let "like" envy dictate the value of your life's work. It's been difficult the last few days to stay away given the circumstances, but I think everyone needs to do it for awhile. Step away. Rediscover and redefine ourselves. Remember that each of those little square faces is actually someone real, with feelings and pain just like you. I'm not going to be my Cliff Notes Self anymore. I'm not going to be controlled by my perception of what I think other people think of me anymore. I'm going to embrace what I love, about myself, about the world, and run with it as hard as I can into the horizon.

I hope to see you there.

- Chad

The Grey Area (Part 1 or Part 99, I don't know)

Before I begin, please know that this is an ongoing story of hope. There are going to be some horribly dark things poured out here that are going to make many of my friends and family uncomfortable. If you're not ready to read this, that is okay, but know that it's a tool for me, and possibly a resource for others who are struggling. Things may get to wandering a bit at times, and I apologize, part of this is just in having done it.


A week ago today, I hung myself to death. I can't really tell you why, because I don't entirely know, and I'm just beginning the process of figuring out and making sense of all of this. I was overwhelmed, in a great deal of physical pain, and under extreme mental duress. I wanted quiet, and stillness. I needed it. Something snapped, and my consciousness disconnected from my body, and very robotic, I picked up a tie down strap (such as for moving trucks and cargo), walked back to the bedroom, synch-ed it to the metal shelf in the closet, wrapped the other end around my neck and dropped with all of my body weight. I blacked out almost instantaneously. The next moment I recall was a feeling of warmth, dancing soft blue and orange light, and the most beautiful music I've ever heard. Not instruments, but not a choir, it seemed to come from within all things. Blurilly, I began to make out figures, the light grew and my heart was filled with peace. I could hear my dad and other family laughing and celebrating, and could feel my kids holding onto my hands pulling me toward the gathering of figures. I remember heaving a sigh of contentment, and smiling with tears of joy in my eyes. Then, without any in-between, my eyes were opened to my fiancee shaking me and screaming, presumably for me to wake up. I couldn't hear her, my head felt like it was about to burst off of my shoulders. I was beyond startled, but able to reach up and unhook myself and fall to the floor. It was several minutes before any recollection of how I even got there began to come into my mind. I was astonished, I couldn't speak. It made absolutely no sense to me how this moment got to where it was and occurred how it did. The events that followed did not make things any better. In her shock, my fiancee reacted in the worst way possible. This isn't a matter of blame or fault. She somehow saved my life. Through post examination, it's a true miracle that I've not only survived, but even have mental and physical facilities. The doctor was in shock that I was able to somehow get onto a plane and fly across the country by myself following the event, and has described that I'm able to speak, and utilize all of my motor functions regularly as nothing short of amazing and miraculous. I didn't just attempt suicide. I did it. I died.

Now to rewind and fast forward.

I am genetically predisposed to severe depression on both sides of my family tree, which has included suicide. I have never been to counseling, or been on any kind of medication for treatment, and have had an aversion and fear of receiving a clinical diagnosis. I've been in several forms of chronic pain physically for several years, which I have done my best to ignore and "man up and work it through." I have also been in some form of relationship that involved some type of dependence on another person my entire life. Most recently, I have been in a relationship with another person whom is also suffering from a chronic illness, as well as severe depression. Much of this relationship has been under public scrutiny for various reasons, and circumstances had made it nearly impossible to get any kind of clinical or professional help. Therefore, a situation was generated where two incredibly sick people had only each other to rely on, not just to accomplish general daily activities, but also for mental, physical, and spiritual support, friendship, and love. We both have various abuses in our past, from family, and other toxic relationships, some of which still have heavy effects on both of us. I say this to make it absolutely clear, this is no one's fault. I didn't leave her because I didn't love her anymore, and she didn't react the way she did because she's a violent person. I left because I NEEDED help and family and to be someplace I could feel safe and grounded. The moment I got of the plane, my family took me directly to the hospital, where I have been until today, and am still going to further therapy (and most likely will be in some capacity for the rest of my life.) I have many, many things to work through, involving pretty much any, and everyone I've ever loved. I have been deeply and severely hurt, but also acknowledge I have done the same to others, particularly with my latest selfish action.

The present (time as a gift?)

So, I'm in a safe place, surrounded by people I love and who love me. I've received a clinical diagnosis (which is ongoing) of major co-dependence and severe mental depressive disorder, for which I've been attending therapy (both individual, group, and with family), and begun a medicinal regimen. Although chemical dependency is not a part of my diagnosis, I acknowledge the need to be particularly careful. I've never done any hard drugs, and I don't drink very often, but from time to time, once I start drinking I go very fast. I appreciate the understanding of friends in this matter. I've also quit smoking cigarettes in this time, and am on day 6 of being nicotine free as I write this. If I haven't or don't get in touch with you soon, please don't take it personally and feel free to reach out. I need to be careful, and it's not a reflection on you, it's me being aware of myself. It is still very early, too early to tell how this is going to go, but I'm going to be sharing, via this blog, a bit about the rehabilitation process, what's working, what's not, and why. If you see me out in public in the near future I may be wearing a neck brace which is to help my vocal cords and muscles settle back into place. Feel free to approach me, and share any thoughts or questions you may have, but there will be times I just don't feel up to talking about any of this, so I ask that you please respect that. I don't ever want to be back in this place again, and I don't want to see any of my friends and family in this situation.

I have to wrap this up for now, but plan on posting here a couple times a week. Some of the things I'll touch on next time are art and music therapies and how that has become a particularly difficult thing for me, and why I'm stepping away from things like Facebook for a little while (aside from the obvious reasons.) For the moment, the comment section of this blog will be my digital stomping grounds (but I will read and respond to e-mails and private messages). I'll be turning the admin settings to open for now, so please know that personal attacks on ANYONE will NOT be tolerated. This is no one's fault, and the responsibility of the action is wholly my own. Let this serve as a reminder to look at yourselves and those friends and loved ones around you who might be in need of a real introspective and honest look, because these things really can happen without warning. Thank you to all, my deepest apologies for my cowardice. I ask for your forgiveness and your grace as I begin this true second chance with the utmost humility.

<3 - Chad