Chip Away!

The days since my last update have been emotionally scattered, and physically painful. I've tried a couple of times to sit down and write this update, but I've felt so in between emotions, places, and people it didn't seem like I could really focus. I'm still having quite a bit of trouble. My chest feels like a Saturn V rocket blasting up into space, and my emotions feel like the chips of ice falling away into the atmosphere as gravity slowly loses its' pull. Hard truths have indeed made a heavy crown, and the vertigo of being pushed forward while also reflecting across the entirety of my life is...necessarily unsettling and unnerving. I've been struggling with trying to tell the difference between depression and grief. Am I sad today chemically, or am I grieving because my entire life is shedding away? It can be very confusing.

The beginning of my week began with hard decisions. Both hard to make, and hard in the context of the firmament of willpower. Decisions that still leave me screaming inside at night. There's nothing harder than letting go, be it a person, place, or thing. The anxiety of separation is one of the most avoided feelings the world over. It's why people allow themselves to be manipulated and abused and compromise when they shouldn't, and justify it as they do. It's a terrifying thing. I haven't been sleeping well, for the first time I can ever remember. I've had nights, sure, but I've conditioned myself to sleep through anything. It's suddenly very elusive. Suddenly tired, suddenly awake. Not something I'm used to. It's led to me walking around this little town I was raised in at night, for hours sometimes, sobbing, and sometimes laughing, which, usually leads back to sobbing because, well, people who walk around at night laughing at themselves are typically bat-shit crazy right? I miss people. I've reconnected with a few, while also coming to the realization that I'll never reconnect with some again. I also have to remind myself that this is all going to take a very, very long time to get a grip on, and that nothing is permanent. I've had some really good days too. I've been very blessed with family. With a few exceptions, I've never been close with my family, and this has been a chance to turn all of that around which is particularly healing because in some cases, the hours of twilight are drawing near. There's a lot of circumstances that make every day precious on its' own, and it serves once again as a reminder to take this all one day at a time. Even still, after a couple of good days, I found myself pretty haunted, which led to me sitting in silence getting very angry, as I guess that's what I tend to do. I just sit alone and boil away like a pissed off teapot. I made things even worse by forcing myself through the new Bjork record 'Vulnicura,' which while absolutely beautiful, is a bit too heart wrenching and close to life topically for my current state. I've tried for several days to do some illustration, but I get very frustrated, much more than is normal, and shut down. I've been able to play guitar some, but I want to sing as well, and my body just won't sustain it, and so again, I find myself getting angry. Everything is new, and different, and unfamiliar, and nothing really seems "mine." Everything feels borrowed, even stuff that IS mine. It feels like I'm borrowing it from a different me, which there is, I suppose, some truth to. It's absolute havok for my OCD tendencies, because I don't have any of my go-to elements anymore. Nothing, and no-one is the same, least of all myself.

On a brighter note, I've been hunting down work, which has gone well. It seems I'll have a few jobs to choose between within the next week or so, and I'm continuing to search for something that seems like the best fit for now, which may be multiple jobs. Activity is certainly key in keeping my mind from sliding all over, so I'm really looking forward to that. I've been working on my exercising, but it's been difficult because my body is almost in as bad of shape as my mind, and things that were once very simple I'm finding are suddenly extremely difficult. I've been walking my sister's dog, and that alone is a painful and herculean task at times. Deep in the Rocky Mountains isn't the best place to be this time of year when you have no body fat. I'm cold all of the time. My medication also makes me sweat, so on top of being cold, I'm wet too. It's a "deal with it" kind of thing. I love the air, and the sight of the sun cresting the mountains every morning. It's something I've missed for too long, and it's worth the temporary shivers.

Think I'm going to leave it on that note this morning. I'm going to be getting to what some of my goals are moving forward, which means I'll be addressing what for many readers is probably the "elephant in the room," my kids. That's something that has so many different things tied to and wrapped up in it, and I need to be very careful about how I address the issue, so I'm taking longer than I intended to do such. It's all hugs or middle fingers, so I have to whittle past that to the important meat of the issue, at least as it involves my momentum with it. I won't guarantee that's next, but it's soon.

Thank you again to all who've read, and continue to offer support, to those I've seen, talked to, and hugged, both physically and virtually. I remain open to answer your questions either privately or in the comments section here, and wish you all the best!

- Chad