This was a self portrait I did while in lock down. The bee was referenced from a National Geographic, the rest from imagination. It's interesting how imperative it can be to draw something when you aren't allowed to have any writing or drawing utensils. I chose a self portrait because a.) it seemed logical in that I'm in a period of deep introspection and self re-awareness, and b.) it's long been considered a psychological art form to critics, and I was curious as to what my doctor may have to say. I'd originally sketched it in rather basically, and when the staff saw it, I was allowed to have some crayons and colored pencils. Art therapy has always been my go to way of dealing and coping with life. Graphic art and illustration, and writing and playing music has been my psychologist. Music in particular. I made a decision several years ago in Austin to stop my pursuit of trying to be a professional musician, and to focus my career on illustration. It's much easier for me to get through a picture I don't particularly want to draw than it is to perform music I don't feel or relate to. My original music is so personal and precious to me, and there's a reason I don't promote it very often. I'm very OCD about how it's presented, and heard. I've never quite gotten it functioning at %100 yet. It's debatable if that can ever even happen now. I created what became In Sleep I Travel in 1999 because making music brought an alleviation to my soul that illustration couldn't. Furthermore, it seemed to me that the combination of the two into one project kind of covered all of my bases. It went through several name changes over 10 years before ISIT solidified. There's a lot of power in a name. I never had any intention of ISIT becoming my nickname in every day life, but it was a welcome improvement on some of my previous ones, and a title I still wear with pride. To me, the dreamtime is the ultimate frontier of science and spirituality. A place where everything and nothing is real. And so, the ISIT project became my self medication. My journal, my punching bag, my shoulder to cry on, my emotional dump. Over 15 years it also became the child that wouldn't birth. I became endlessly pregnant with a thing that had no real beginning or end, no parameters. It became a tool for me to hide from real life in. Things getting tough? Go in the studio and pop on my headphones. In moderation, it's probably a valuable and positive thing, however, not only was I abusing my creative outlet, there was an impetus that this was somehow going to be my career. That the thousands of hours and dollars put into it, was going to pay off if only I could get a little more done. It has at times caused tremendous strain on my relationships for various reasons. It became a point of jealousy and resentment for many, and my response has always been to throw myself into it all the harder. So, in a way, my creativity became the substance I've abused, and in this way, art therapy became a debilitating addiction, just as many become addicted to their medications. The self portrait above is one of the first times I've been able to sit back in a long time and just draw because it felt good. I haven't gotten there with music yet, it's going to take a little bit. Since being back "home" I've already been asked to join 3 different bands, and while I'm honored and flattered, much like a romantic relationship, being in a musical relationship isn't something I'm capable of doing healthily at the moment, and I have a degree of doubt that I'll ever be in a serious band ever again. I was very close to finally birthing ISIT, some of you have been involved with that. It's still going to happen, but I need to get me right first, and be able to tackle it objectively. It's still lacking a proper resolution. The proper bow to tie it all together. I'm lacking the proper facilities to present it all the way it deserves. I don't have a timeline. I'm leaving it alone for a little bit, and letting some other people play with those toys as they please. It's just not time yet, and for me, and some who've been waiting for many, many years, that sucks. I hate having to be in this place, and say it, but if I lock myself down into it right now, I'm going to fuck myself up even more. If I decide to end ISIT, I will still make sure that what is and has been done makes it to the hands and ears of those who want it, and to those who've contributed over the years, listened to the recordings, come to the shows, liked, shared, tweeted, and torrented any of it, THANK YOU. I've truly had the good fortune of being able to touch someone in a profound way every time I've stepped on stage as ISIT, I don't want that to ever change, and it's part of the reason I haven't performed in two and a half years. I need to regain my identity, and having a construct around to slip into is a dangerous thing. It'd be easy to let my head disappear up my own ass, and fully become someone I'm not. ISIT is a part of me, but it doesn't define me, and I've been letting it. So, long story even longer, using art, and music, and creativity as therapy is a good thing, with many personal, and social benefits. Using it as a crutch when you need a much different kind of help to stand, not so much.
This brings me to social perception. How we view things, and the kinds of masks and things we put forward to bring people closer, or push them away. I have social anxiety. I don't do well with crowds, or meeting new people. This baffles people, because I've walked on stage in front of hundreds and poured my heart out. I've improvised presentations and speeches to great affect. Many have considered me an entertainer, a class clown, an attention whore, but...it's not real. It's an abstraction. To say it's a lie would be extreme, it isn't that it isn't genuine, it's just not the whole story, and social media not only allows this to great affect, but encourages it. The cliff's notes version of ourselves. We are in many ways allowed to control the lighting and angles of our lives, while simultaneously having no control at all. Anyone can post a picture of you online. Anyone can tag you in a status. For every new privacy setting, there's another dozen loop holes. In the last year, friends and family have seen my personal affairs spill out across Facebook more than once. Not from me, or with my consent, or knowledge. Incredibly personal and hurtful statements have been made against me, and particularly against people I love, and I've been stuck in the middle doing my best to work damage control. This is a big reason for me being so transparent in this matter. For one, to come back to the place I grew up, I'm going to be seen. People have always liked to talk about me and my business for whatever reason, and rather than have rumors fly, as I'm sure they will anyway, I thought it best to tackle it head on. It's a small way for me to take the power back for myself, and to make sure the door is open for people old and new to approach me. I've hurt a lot of people in various ways over the years with my selfishness, but I've also been deeply hurt. I do have some bones to pick, but I'm also willing to forgive and let go and move on. I've felt very ignored and sidelined by many of the the people who were my closest friends for 20+ years. I realize I've made some poor decisions, but I never understood what I did to be completely abandoned. No one ever asked for my side of things. No one ever had the stones to approach me about any problem or issue they had, they just ignored me. That hurt, and still hurts, and will continue to hurt as I see and bump into some of these people. On a positive note, I spent this morning reconnecting with one of the most important and influential people in my life that I've been missing so much. People wrong each other, sometimes completely unknowingly. I acknowledge that I'm guilty of this, but I'm open to hearing from you the how and why. I've seen nothing destroy more friendships and relationships than people using assumptions as fact, and the modern age is almost an assumption taken for fact all in itself.
Be conscious of the human condition. As humans, we can only ever see one perspective on something at a time. I got stuck in that mindset and am lucky to be alive right now. Making passive comments, or insinuating something about someone else should never be done in a public forum, particularly one that has the power to impact a person's life so much, from family, to jobs, to interpersonal relationships, to how someone views themselves. There's alot of depression everywhere right now. I'm not alone, and so many of you have reached out to let me know you've been in a similar or the same place. It's difficult to get on any social media and not see someone boohoo-ing their or someone else's life. It's difficult not to do ourselves, because it's become a socially accepted norm to complain about everything. To focus on the have nots, and how we can't be complete people without a new iPhone. I get it, I really do. It's no different than me venting all of this here, except that I don't see very much action leading to change or improvement of any kind. I've been playing a game on facebook for months now where I wake up and see how many statuses it takes to shut down the day. I follow and am friends with many amazing artists, so the first few are usually beautiful paintings, followed by an uplifting or creative quote, and then bam, there it is, the pot hole. We've all been the pot hole, if not on social media, at work, on vacation, etc. I think we've also all been the samaritan, and stood up for, or sent a comment that made someone's day, or maybe even saved someone's life. There's so much pain and sarcasm and disconnectedness between people, it's hard to know when anyone is serious anymore. I know some people thought I was joking or exaggerating. You can't convince everyone, nor do you have to. Don't let social media become a barometer for your self worth. Don't let "like" envy dictate the value of your life's work. It's been difficult the last few days to stay away given the circumstances, but I think everyone needs to do it for awhile. Step away. Rediscover and redefine ourselves. Remember that each of those little square faces is actually someone real, with feelings and pain just like you. I'm not going to be my Cliff Notes Self anymore. I'm not going to be controlled by my perception of what I think other people think of me anymore. I'm going to embrace what I love, about myself, about the world, and run with it as hard as I can into the horizon.
I hope to see you there.
- Chad
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