The Grey Area (Part 1 or Part 99, I don't know)

Before I begin, please know that this is an ongoing story of hope. There are going to be some horribly dark things poured out here that are going to make many of my friends and family uncomfortable. If you're not ready to read this, that is okay, but know that it's a tool for me, and possibly a resource for others who are struggling. Things may get to wandering a bit at times, and I apologize, part of this is just in having done it.


A week ago today, I hung myself to death. I can't really tell you why, because I don't entirely know, and I'm just beginning the process of figuring out and making sense of all of this. I was overwhelmed, in a great deal of physical pain, and under extreme mental duress. I wanted quiet, and stillness. I needed it. Something snapped, and my consciousness disconnected from my body, and very robotic, I picked up a tie down strap (such as for moving trucks and cargo), walked back to the bedroom, synch-ed it to the metal shelf in the closet, wrapped the other end around my neck and dropped with all of my body weight. I blacked out almost instantaneously. The next moment I recall was a feeling of warmth, dancing soft blue and orange light, and the most beautiful music I've ever heard. Not instruments, but not a choir, it seemed to come from within all things. Blurilly, I began to make out figures, the light grew and my heart was filled with peace. I could hear my dad and other family laughing and celebrating, and could feel my kids holding onto my hands pulling me toward the gathering of figures. I remember heaving a sigh of contentment, and smiling with tears of joy in my eyes. Then, without any in-between, my eyes were opened to my fiancee shaking me and screaming, presumably for me to wake up. I couldn't hear her, my head felt like it was about to burst off of my shoulders. I was beyond startled, but able to reach up and unhook myself and fall to the floor. It was several minutes before any recollection of how I even got there began to come into my mind. I was astonished, I couldn't speak. It made absolutely no sense to me how this moment got to where it was and occurred how it did. The events that followed did not make things any better. In her shock, my fiancee reacted in the worst way possible. This isn't a matter of blame or fault. She somehow saved my life. Through post examination, it's a true miracle that I've not only survived, but even have mental and physical facilities. The doctor was in shock that I was able to somehow get onto a plane and fly across the country by myself following the event, and has described that I'm able to speak, and utilize all of my motor functions regularly as nothing short of amazing and miraculous. I didn't just attempt suicide. I did it. I died.

Now to rewind and fast forward.

I am genetically predisposed to severe depression on both sides of my family tree, which has included suicide. I have never been to counseling, or been on any kind of medication for treatment, and have had an aversion and fear of receiving a clinical diagnosis. I've been in several forms of chronic pain physically for several years, which I have done my best to ignore and "man up and work it through." I have also been in some form of relationship that involved some type of dependence on another person my entire life. Most recently, I have been in a relationship with another person whom is also suffering from a chronic illness, as well as severe depression. Much of this relationship has been under public scrutiny for various reasons, and circumstances had made it nearly impossible to get any kind of clinical or professional help. Therefore, a situation was generated where two incredibly sick people had only each other to rely on, not just to accomplish general daily activities, but also for mental, physical, and spiritual support, friendship, and love. We both have various abuses in our past, from family, and other toxic relationships, some of which still have heavy effects on both of us. I say this to make it absolutely clear, this is no one's fault. I didn't leave her because I didn't love her anymore, and she didn't react the way she did because she's a violent person. I left because I NEEDED help and family and to be someplace I could feel safe and grounded. The moment I got of the plane, my family took me directly to the hospital, where I have been until today, and am still going to further therapy (and most likely will be in some capacity for the rest of my life.) I have many, many things to work through, involving pretty much any, and everyone I've ever loved. I have been deeply and severely hurt, but also acknowledge I have done the same to others, particularly with my latest selfish action.

The present (time as a gift?)

So, I'm in a safe place, surrounded by people I love and who love me. I've received a clinical diagnosis (which is ongoing) of major co-dependence and severe mental depressive disorder, for which I've been attending therapy (both individual, group, and with family), and begun a medicinal regimen. Although chemical dependency is not a part of my diagnosis, I acknowledge the need to be particularly careful. I've never done any hard drugs, and I don't drink very often, but from time to time, once I start drinking I go very fast. I appreciate the understanding of friends in this matter. I've also quit smoking cigarettes in this time, and am on day 6 of being nicotine free as I write this. If I haven't or don't get in touch with you soon, please don't take it personally and feel free to reach out. I need to be careful, and it's not a reflection on you, it's me being aware of myself. It is still very early, too early to tell how this is going to go, but I'm going to be sharing, via this blog, a bit about the rehabilitation process, what's working, what's not, and why. If you see me out in public in the near future I may be wearing a neck brace which is to help my vocal cords and muscles settle back into place. Feel free to approach me, and share any thoughts or questions you may have, but there will be times I just don't feel up to talking about any of this, so I ask that you please respect that. I don't ever want to be back in this place again, and I don't want to see any of my friends and family in this situation.

I have to wrap this up for now, but plan on posting here a couple times a week. Some of the things I'll touch on next time are art and music therapies and how that has become a particularly difficult thing for me, and why I'm stepping away from things like Facebook for a little while (aside from the obvious reasons.) For the moment, the comment section of this blog will be my digital stomping grounds (but I will read and respond to e-mails and private messages). I'll be turning the admin settings to open for now, so please know that personal attacks on ANYONE will NOT be tolerated. This is no one's fault, and the responsibility of the action is wholly my own. Let this serve as a reminder to look at yourselves and those friends and loved ones around you who might be in need of a real introspective and honest look, because these things really can happen without warning. Thank you to all, my deepest apologies for my cowardice. I ask for your forgiveness and your grace as I begin this true second chance with the utmost humility.

<3 - Chad